OK or Not OK in Marriage?

For several years I’ve  followed the ministry of April Cassidy.  April is a licensed pharmacist who has a heart for women and ministers to them through her blog posts, writing, and conferences.  She deals with many challenging topics from a Biblical perspective and many are addressed in her book, The Peaceful Wife – Living in Submission to Christ as Lord, which is available at Amazon.com (Click HERE).  The following is her most recent blog post which appeared at: peaceful wife.com  as: Are Particular Sexual Activities Wrong in Marriage? .  It is a sensitive and difficult topic and I’m impressed with the grace and wisdom with which April approaches the issue.  RMF

Are Particular Sexual Activities Wrong in Marriage?

by April Cassidy

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ABOUT MY APPROACH TO THIS POST:

April Cassidy "The Peaceful Wife"

April Cassidy
“The Peaceful Wife”

I haven’t stated my personal convictions about specific sexual activities in marriage for a variety of reasons. One reason is that last year, God convicted me that Romans 14 admonishes believers to keep our personal convictions about “disputable matters” private.

The sharing of personal convictions tends to cause a lot of division in the body of Christ.

Accept the one whose faith is weak, without quarreling over disputable matters. Romans 14:1

So I took down any posts that were about my own convictions on a number of topics. I want to build the unity in the body, not create division over trivial matters.

April's Book The Peaceful Wife

April’s Book
The Peaceful Wife

So whatever you believe about these things keep between yourself and God. Blessed is the one who does not condemn himself by what he approves. Romans 14:22

I decided to write about this topic after several requests. However, I am not going to be sharing my own convictions or details about my marriage in this area out of respect for God, for Greg, for myself, and for the body of Christ. I appreciate everyone respecting my approach. 🙂

I have decided not to have comments available on this particular post.

This topic lends itself toward becoming a debate that would probably not be productive.
I also don’t want to have any unwholesome conversations or inappropriate conversations in mixed company.
There are some resources at the bottom of the post. I invite you to check them out and prayerfully consider each issue for yourself with your own husband. 🙂

A FEW FOUNDATIONAL THOUGHTS:

First, I want to remember that my greatest goal as a believer is to bring glory to God in all I do. 

Greg & April Cassidy

Greg & April Cassidy

Second, I want to remember that anything that God calls sin is something that is ultimately destructive for me or for someone else. I want to focus on God’s incredible love for His children and the fact that His motives toward us are always good and never evil. Any parameters God gives, I want to embrace with total faith and trust.

Third, I want to remember that God created sex for marriage and that it is very good.

Fourth, I want to remember that Satan wants to make sex outside of marriage and sex before marriage as enticing as possible and he wants to make sex in marriage as difficult, painful, and frustrating as possible. He wants to create division and dissension and do all he can to prevent us from having unity in every area of our marriages, including the area of physical intimacy.

Warning, dear sisters:

Be aware of Satan’s strategies and tactics and resist him, yielding your heart completely to the Lord. He wants you to think accusing, negative, terrible thoughts toward your husband. He wants you bound up in guilt, shame, fear, anxiety, pride, and self-righteousness.

It is so critical that we take our thoughts captive for Christ so that we allow God’s Spirit to control our thoughts, motives, and all that we do, not the flesh.

Jesus set us free from sin, death, shame, guilt, bondage, oppression, fear, and every toxic way of thinking! He guides us in all truth by His Spirit and His Word. He can purify our hearts and minds and empower us to be the women He calls us to be. There is so much freedom in Christ. It is not about rules. It is about abiding in Him and being filled to overflowing with His goodness and then He gives us His wisdom and healing so graciously.

Those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh; but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit. The mind of the flesh is death, but the mind of the Spirit is life and peace…. Romans 8:5-6
Let the fruit of the Spirit be very evident in the way we treat our husbands sexually, and in every other way. May God’s supernatural love, joy, peace, patience, goodness, kindness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control abound in our hearts and in our interactions with our husbands. May the way we relate to them bring great joy to God’s heart and glory to His Name!

HOW TO DECIDE IF A PARTICULAR SEXUAL ACTIVITY IS A SIN IN MARRIAGE:

I need to prayerfully ask myself some questions as I seek to allow God’s Spirit to show me His truth and goodness from the Bible – with a heart that longs to obey God no matter what He may ask of me:

1. Does the Bible list this thing as a sin? If the Bible lists it as sin, it’s out of the question. We can’t participate in that.

2. Does the activity I want to do violate a general principle of God’s Word? Is it selfish, hurtful, involving sex outside of marriage, involving lust for someone to whom I am not married? Does it involve idolatry, greed, lying, envy of others, etc…?

3. Could what I want to do cause harm/pain emotionally or physically to my spouse? I must remember that “love does no harm to a neighbor” (Rom. 13:10).

4. If the Bible is silent about it and the activity doesn’t go against a general principle of God’s Word then it really isn’t my place to label something as sin that God doesn’t label as sin. I don’t want to put myself in the position of deciding what is sinful. And I don’t want to make up my own “sins” and put myself in bondage unnecessarily to manmade rules. I can have personal convictions that are based on my own thinking. But I don’t get to label things as “sin.” That is God’s job.

5. If an activity violates a particular believer’s conscience, then for that person, he/she is not acting in faith and that is sin for that person even if this is an area where there is Christian liberty and freedom. I don’t want to force my spouse to do something that would violate his conscience. I would seek to “bear with him in love” and patience and put my desire for a particular thing on the back burner.

6. In areas of Christian liberty, I am free in Christ to enjoy something that is not labeled as sin by God and that does not violate biblical principles.

7. My primary purpose in the sexual aspect of my life must be to glorify and love God and love my husband. Sex is not “all about me.” Yes, I can enjoy it, and that is awesome. But, as a believer, I want my mindset to be, “How might I bless my husband in this area?”

Note:

In my book, I share a number of ways that we can be disrespectful to our husbands about sex and ways we can respect our husbands about sex. The Peaceful Wife – Living in Submission to Christ As Lord.

Much love to each of you in Christ!

RELATED:

Is Masturbation a Sin? – by http://www.gotquestions.org
Is Oral Sex/Anal Sex Okay in Marriage? – by http://www.gotquestions.org
What Is a Christian Couple Allowed to Do in Sex? – by http://www.gotquestions.org

PEACEFULWIFE POSTS ABOUT SEX:
(These following are topics April has addressed in her blog and are available at: http://www.peacefulwife.com   RMF)

For wives who desire sex more than their husbands do –

The Devastation of Sexual Rejection in Marriage
Placing My Higher Sexual Appetite under God’s Control
Respect, Biblical Submission, and Sexual Attraction
When Your Husband Is Not Physically Attracted to You
When Your Husband Rejects You
When You Feel Deprived in Your Marriage
Handling with a Very Delicate and Sensitive Matter with Respect – a Husband’s Impotence

For wives whose husbands may desire sex more than they do –

I Feel Like a Piece of Meat to My Husband Sometimes!
“Unlock Your Libido” – book review
Taking Initiative Sexually
Making the One Flesh Relationship a Huge Priority in Your Marriage
Other related topics –

What Is Attractive/Unattractive to Husbands?
A Husband’s Pain – His Wife’s Body Image Issues
A Husband Talks about Our Body Image and Attraction
One Couple Deals with the Issue of Body Image
An Assignment for Those Who Struggle with Body Image
Being Available to Our Husbands VS. Marital Rape – a Youtube Video
The Essence of Femininity
Do I Condone BDSM or CDD?
OneSoLoved Heals from the World of BDSM and CDD

You may also search my home page for things like:
– porn
– destructive jealousy
– husband broke my trust
– bitterness
– forgiveness

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About ronfurg

Former naval officer, federal investigator, forensic scientist, senior executive service member and pastor. In retirement serves as volunteer and life group leader at New Life Christian Church (www.newlife4me.com). Devoted to beautiful wife, kids and grandkids. Looking forward to the time when every knee will bow and every tongue will confess that Jesus Christ is Lord of all and that He is the Way, the Truth, and the Life.
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